On Sunday, I admitted to the Becoming group that sometimes, when I say everything's fine, I'm really so angry or upset that I lie to keep from blowing up. That's wrong and I know it is, but I often opt for saying "it's fine" for one of two reasons––either I'm so frustrated that I just know I'll blow a cap if I say anything else, or I would rather hurt in silence than make you sad. Because I know that some of you beat yourself up over things that aren't really a big deal, and I hate that.
Like I've probably mentioned before, Ian Taylor is really good at this whole, "are you sure you're fine?" thing, but he's also one of those people who starts feeling bad if he makes me upset. And I hate that. Last thing I want is for him to be upset.
Last year, however, I blew up at Jordan for something I was really upset with her about. She made me so angry, and I kept lying about it until I couldn't anymore. We've since forgiven each other, but that's an example of what happens when I get that frustrated. I lost her as a best friend. We haven't been able to get that back, and I regret that.
Since I asked a few days ago for you to tell me how you would like me to respond to "I'm okay" when I know you're not, I'll tell you how I like it handled. If you can tell I'm really not all right, you don't have to ask what's wrong, you don't have to apologize ten million times, just pull me into a hug and say "I know you're not". And then let me cry or smile.
Or maybe both. <3
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