Dear Life #4,

It's moments like that when I absolutely adore you. :)

"Your record is 101."

Ah, he gives me so much hope.

This is Love Calling

Love calling, I am so broken, this is love calling...

I didn't handle that so well.

I tried.

Hey You!

You with the face, and the eyes, and the supercute smile!

I love you. :)

Dear RachelMarie,

I miss talking to you. We don't talk anymore. I hope it's not me that did anything to upset you.

I miss us. The old us. Let's work our way back up. Friends?

I'll Do the Best I Can

I want to make your day a good day. :)

You And I Must Make A Pact

We must bring salvation back
Where there is love,
I'll be there.

Ah, I love this song. So lets please put this behind us and be best friends again. <3 You've made Every Day Worth It, so don't stop now.

So you're saying Jesus isn't enough?

You're done just because we got into an argument? 

I Don't Give Up.

You took care of me when I lost someone. I'm trying. Just don't leave me. I need you here, as often as I get angry and defensive. I do love you.

Don't give up on yourself.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.

Best friend, reading your letters makes me cry. I hate this, and I love you.

Little brother, your letters give me hope. Please help me through this.

I Don't Know...

I'm not angry at you, just miserably sad. I can't wait to get out of here. <3 Arizona, rescue me.

You Think Your Life Is Hard?

Try being me.

Dear Jesus, you're the only one right now. Please make Every Day Worth It.

Dear Life #3,

My best friend hates me because I haven't been able to hang out with him. I've been trying to hang out with my "little brother" and his family for a month and a half now, but it's been a freaking pain. I don't talk to my other best friend anymore, really, and I miss her.
Best friend, stop thinking I don't want to spend time with you. I know I haven't been able to, and I am sincerely sorry about that. You're not the only one I've been trying to make plans with, though, and it's so hard. You need to understand me, but you don't. I don't know how you can call me your best friend when all you want to do is talk crap about how I don't care and that I'm not there for you and that I lost all your trust. I'm trying so hard. I never gave up on you, why are you giving up on me? Why do you have to beat me down on top of everything else I'm trying to deal with? That's not what best friends are supposed to do.
I'm breaking down. Life, cut me some slack.

Dear Life #2,

Hey, go easy on my friends, too!

Day# 8) My Favorite Internet Friend

I don't talk to anyone I don't know, so I'd have to say that this is... Zach Stormant. Whom I know, but I haven't talked to, besides on the internet, for two years.

Dear Zach,

I find it very sad that you're now my internet friend. And not only that, but that we haven't even talked over the internet in forever. I miss your funny conversations, they always crack me up. The great thing is, you're just as funny in person as you are over facebook chat. At least, I think you still are.

I wish I would've gotten to lifeguard one of your swim meets. I wish you'd come back to the springs. I wish we'd chat on facebook like we used to.

I miss you,

Phoebe Noel

Day# 7) My ex-crush

Ahhha, okay I'll use a name.

Dear Jared O,
Yes, I know. I am quite a bit younger than you, and even now I'm laughing at myself. You're a great kid though, and you always knew how to make me smile. Even now, you still know. You're really quite spontaneous, which I love. And you can dance, which is a plus.
But holy crap, you've grown. And so have I. In the five years we didn't see each other, I moved on. So no worries, I no longer have any traces of a crush on you. :)
Love,
Phoebe Noel

Day# 6) A Stranger

Wow, so I've been skipping days. I'll write all mine up and catch up now, though.

Dear Stranger,
I see so many of you on a daily basis. I walk through the grocery market and see hordes of you. I look out over the beach and see you swimming in the water. I scan my pool, and you're jumping off the diving board.
The sad thing is, a lot of times when I watch, I'm sad because I know so many of you don't know Christ. But I don't do anything about it. I want to see you all in heaven, but I hide so many times behind me shell. It's wrong of me, and I apologize. I need to reach out to you.
Love, love, love,
Phoebe

P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.

Stop being afraid. You'll never lose me.

Dear Life,

Stop hating me, please.

11:11 PM Again

And you're still my only wish.

Lifeguard Training

So training was cool. Did a couple practicals out at Port Orange YMCA. I have a bruise on my arm where Aaron's (I'm assuming) thumb was when he pulled me out of the water. My wrists are sore from being tugged on. Jake wouldn't stop putting me in front of the jets so I would get tickled. Jon told us about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Cattie and Emily giggled in the back of the short bus. Erica couldn't get out of the pool, so I had to hold Gil-who is really heavy-for a long time until she finally climbed out. Aaron, who rode his motorcycle, banged on the bus and scared the heck out of Shannon and John. Will didn't get to play his part in the icebreaker. Ben was really late. And Rae laughed really hard the whole way home. :) I love my co-workers.

I Wanna Breathe You In

You may never know, but
I Waited for You

If She's What Makes You Happy

Then I love you enough to let you go.

But I'd rather spend my life with you.

Day# 5) My Dreams

Dear Dreams,
Stop being so unreasonable. When I close my eyes and think of my future, it's perfect. It's-and forgive the pun-dreamy. I know who I want to be with in ten years. I know how many babies I want.... sigh. Stop tricking me with these delusions.
However, they are quite entertaining while I'm sitting in the guard chair, and I like pretending that it's all going to work out. That the one I wanna be with is going to see it, that I'll have the right amount of girl and boy babies...
But I know that half of what I'm dreaming of won't work out, and maybe none of it. So please be more reasonable. Optimism is only good sometimes, sometimes you have to see past the silver lining.
Love,
Phoebe Noel
P.S. And dreams, please don't fade. As unreasonable as you are, sometimes I think you're the only thing that gets me through.

That "Little Brother" of Mine

I love him and his short little messages. :)

Day# 4) A Sibling

Dear Kitty,
I'm really sorry for recently. I haven't been spending time with you, and I know I need to do that.
Other than that, you're like super smart and way mature for your age. I wish your best friends weren't so mean all the time. I wish you didn't have to deal with that. The period of your life that you're going through now were the worst years of my life and I pray they aren't that for you. I've enjoyed watching you grow up, you're so beautiful now. You can totally pull off the whole "I'm messy and cute" thing, I'm so jealous. I hope you continue to be the modest and loving person you are, forever and always.
I want you to know you can come to me, whenever you have a problem. I'm always here.
Your biggest sis,
Phoebe

Take My Heart, Take My Soul

The secret of life is in letting go

The secret of love is letting it show

I am yours and yours alone

Completely

I Know I've Failed You

But please let me love you anyway. <3

7 Days Left Here

I wish my "little brother" was going, I'm dreading that plane ride.

I Love My Bestfriend

I Can't Do Anything Right

Jesus, take over for me, please.

And I Love You.

The End. :)

Day# 3) My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,
Wow, what to say? You've been great parents. I don't even know how I'm gonna go into detail on this blog what you're done for me, so I'm gonna have to keep it short. Mom, you taught me so much on patience. Dad, you taught me to be artistic and to appreciate things even when I don't understand them.
Sometimes, I get the feeling you don't understand me, and maybe that's partially my fault. Maybe I need to be a better communicator and I'm really sorry that I haven't talked everything through. My life would've been so much better if I had just listened to you in the first place.
I love you, maybe we can work on this together.
Love, Phoebe Noel Villalobos

I Cannot Live Without You

I messed up. I'm so sorry. Take me back?

Take us back to where we were before.

I feel like I just lost you.

I don't want to lose my best friend.

I'm Lost

That didn't go quite the way I wanted it to. I'm so sorry I know.

Will You Be My Sister?

Oh yes. Heck to the yes I will! I love you. You're like the little brother I've been missing for 14 years.

Yes.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S.

I still love you. You're still my bestfriend. I'm not giving up on you, so don't give up on yourself.

Let Me Ask You This...

If you would lose my friendship because of something you won't tell me, is my friendship worth it? Am I truly a friend worth having?

Answer: No.

It's Okay

You don't know that I completely understand and that I already know. And I love you through it all. I will never love you less.

Day# 2) My Crush

Aha. Okay wow. Here goes, but I refuse to use names. If you know me, you know who this is.

Dear boy,
I had something to say to you, but now that I'm writing this, my mind decided to go totally blank.
One thing I really love about you is how caring you are. You don't always know exactly what to say or what's going on, but you care. And you're there when I need you. Not many people will do that for me, and I appreciate every second that you've lost sleep to make sure I'm okay. That gives me hope.
But the real reason I fell for you is because of how deep in Christ you are. I don't know that many people like that. I noticed from very early on that there was something different in the way you acted, carried yourself, and spoke. You're a wonderful example, and every girl deserves to meet a guy like you.
Darling, you're everything I was looking for, and I'm not giving up hope, even though right now it doesn't appear to be working out. I know I've said before I'm letting go, and I am. But I'm going to drop back in the shadow and wait, quiet and watching, just for you. Because you make every day worth it.
Love, that girl.

P.S.S.S.S.S.

That bestfriend of mine is so adorable when the sun hits those blue eyes. :)

A More Beautiful You

Lila: (About me) "Isn't my sister so beautiful? She's so beautiful."
Owen: "She is, and she doesn't believe me, no matter how many times I tell her."
He said this after we had been to the beach. I had nothing on my face, was windblown and sunburt, hair not brushed, wearing my big mission trip t-shirt. <3 He has no idea how much I struggle with my image. This is why I love this kid so freaking much.

Day # 1) Best Friend

Ahh, okay. Where to start? I'm gonna end up offending someone if I specify, but that's the way it has to be, I guess. Since I've made a close friend this year that I didn't expect, I'll start with him. ((This isn't to say any of you are less important, I just have to pick.))

Dear Owen,
Goodness, there's so much I want to say to you. First off, I'm gonna write you a different letter to actually give to you, haha.. But here's what I want the whole world to know:
There's not a lot of people that I've been surprised I've gotten close to. Usually, if I discover a best friend, it's because I put a lot of effort into making it work and making it a point to talk and be more open. With you, I have no idea what went on, but it sort of just happened. Thanks to you. I never opened up to you more than I opened up to anyone else. Your brother knew way more than you, my other friends knew way more... But then bam! You know more than most people know about me.
Don't worry about the things you've said that hurt me. I know you are worried about them, and it's okay. There's not a lot you've said that really hurt me, and you say more that builds me up. I love you, and thank you for being one of the best friends I've ever had.
Love, me.

Owen, you make Every Day Worth It.

A Month to Let You Know

This starts tomorrow. I'll miss like 10 days, but I'll pick up where I left off when I come home from Arizona. <3


day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 —your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

P.S.S.S.S.

Sometimes, I catch a phantom whiff of your smell, and get excited. Then I remember you're not next to me. You're far away and I won't see you tonight.

Wrote My Daddy A Letter...

Now just to see if he gets what I was trying to say. *Crossies*

P.S.S.S.

My best friend is superfreakingcute when he's soaking wet. :)

Owen sent me this:

P.S.S.

...except for you. <3

"You Are Golden, Child"

"You define the words beautiful, caring, loving, Godly, wonderful and secure. From the moment I met you, I felt your love for others and your care for others. You have a wonderful heart to serve God, and it shows by how dedicated you are to your family, friends and church... I love you very much. Thank you for being one of the best friends I've ever had." --- Owen Michael Nugent

Oh my goodness. I love this kid so freaking much. I have been able to deal with most of my insecurities about the way I look, not so much with the others. I still don't really get it sometimes, but things like this give me hope. I had no idea I'd get to know Owen this well. I had no idea we'd be that close. Wow.

Hello, God. What else would you like to give me today? You've opened up the skies of mercy. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm so done with this insecurity crap. Owen and Ryan both, I really love you and you give me so much hope. <3

"I first off want to thank you for being there for me.

That makes me so happy that you are there for me when I need you... It makes me so happy that I have met you. I love how God works when he knows what you need and how he gives you what you need... I love that you make me laugh when I don't want to and smile when I don't want to... You are so beautiful and so good at being a great best friend to me..." --- Ryan Alan Webster.

Ha! Take that, insecurity!

This Is The Last Night You'll Be Alone

I feel like slapping myself. At least then I'd have a legit excuse for crying. Please let this be the last night I spend alone. 

This is your last night away from me. <3 I want to hear that.

This hurts.

Please stop hurting? It's like even though you should know me better than anyone in the world, you still don't. Or maybe you do. Maybe you just like pushing my buttons, because you know exactly how to push them. I don't get why it's like this. I love you. You've taken care of me for so long. You still take care of me.

But sometimes you make me so angry. Like, right when I'm coming from work is not the time to start an argument. Even a stupid one. Even if you're complaining about something little. Today was already not a good day, and now it's even worse. I'm tired of fighting you. I'm tired of you pushing my buttons just because you can.

Please stop.

Arizonaa!

Right now I'm drowning in paperwork for Arizona, but what a joy! I actually like filling out paperwork for this trip, and I love packing, I really do. I'm so excited to get going, get closer to the girls I'm gonna be going with (and the boys), and have a mountaintop experience with God. Ha.. It's been a long time since I've been out of the valley, and I'm ready for that "Jesus high".

I would say I'm going to miss everyone here in Florida, but. I'm going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off from dawn until late at night. I don't know if I'll have time to miss anyone, haha. No, I know I will. I'll be thinking of you guys during my quiet time. Especially you, Thomas Michael Coulter, since you were supposed to go on this trip with me. Bridgette, I'm gonna miss having you right there within a phone's distance (since I won't have my phone). Ryan, I'll miss your hugs that I get usually at least three times a week. Ian, I'm just going to flat out miss you aha.. Owen, I'm gonna be without your laugh for ten days! My bestfriends, Paul and Betsy, I'm gonna miss the springs with you.

But one thing I am really happy about is the fact that I'll be going on this trip with Rachel. We've fallen apart so much over the years and I'm looking forward to building it back up. Hopefully this will allow us a little time away from the distractions we both deal with.

Love you all!

P.S.

You really do give me hope. No matter what you do, I will always love you. <3

I'd Go Hungry...

Yeah. I would. Just for you. You make me smile when you worry about me, even though I don't like to see you worried. <3

Lovee!

I love it when you make my inbox overflow, best friend! :)

I Could Offer You A Warm Embrace...

Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Ah, I guess. :)
Where were you last night? I don’t remember. Where was I?
What is today’s date? May 30, 2010
Anyone crushing on you? I’m not sure.
What is your relationship status? Single. <3
Has anyone ever sang to you? Mhm!
Has anyone ever given you roses? Indeed they have!
If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? Not alone. I need people!
Who do you text the most? Thomas Michael Coulter.
How do you make your money? Lifeguarding, babyy!
First person to text today? Bridgette?
What is a compliment you receive often? Uhm... I can’t really think of one.
Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Rachel Marie Hehre, a few hours ago.
Do you like your parents? Love them!
Do you secretly like someone? Well, there is this one kid. ;)
Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? Aaron! :D
How long does it take you to shower? 5 minutes is the shortest I can do.
Can you do splits? I don’t know if I can anymore.
Are you flexible? Pretty flexible.
Can you speak any other language than English? Nope.
What is the last letter of your middle name? L
How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 10?
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? I do. I’m a good girl.
Are you scared of flying? Sometimes.
What do you sleep in? Shorts and t-shirt. :)
Do you like funny people or serious people? Funny!
Last movie you saw in theaters? Clash Of The Titans
Last thing you ate? I don’t remember.
What was last thing you drank? Sodaa.
Are you happy right now? Yess, I am. :)
If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Y.O.U! <3
Who makes you happiest right now? Him. <3
What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleepin’ :D
Are you left handed? Nopee.
What is the last thing you thought about? “Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, ‘cause I just want something beautiful...”
Do you want to get married & have children one day? Yes, ma’am. <3
Who was the last girl you texted? Rachel Marie Hehre

Does she mean anything to you? She’s an awesome friend.
Do you believe that love can last forever? Indeed I do. <3
Are you happy with how life is going for you? It’s pretty fly.
Could you handle living together with the last person who texted you? Imma marry Tom, so yes. :P Jp!
Without naming any names, is there something you want to say to anyone? Darling, “I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenue. You know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love”, but I’ll let you go. If this is what God wants, it’ll happen. Iloveyou.

I've Noticed You're Happier.

And it makes me want to smile all day long. :D

Tay :)

Meet Ian Taylor Nugent

The boy who has helped me through a lot.

He...

- Is one of the most godly young men I've ever met.

- Would play baseball all the time if he could get away with it.

- Gets 97s on every single test at school, except in Government, in which he gets 100s.

- Always knows when I'm not really okay.

- Can be clueless.

- Says he has a good memory, but really doesn't.

- Has become a really great friend.

- Has a cheery smile.

- Can always make me laugh, no matter what.

- Prays for me when I need it.

- Is really, really, super freaking smart.

- and I need to watch movies sometime soon.

Ian Taylor, you give me so much! You make Every Day Worth It.

*No, this is not all about one person. I don't do names. If you know me well enough, you'll probably figure it out. :)

"No, you've been my best friend.
You are my best friend... Just, thank you for sticking it out with me. Even if you don't fully agree with the things I say or do, you've never abandoned me... I'm glad I have you as my best friend. Don't think you're some replacement, you've been mine."

I hope you can say that forever. <3

I Know Everything Will Be All Right

On Sunday, I admitted to the Becoming group that sometimes, when I say everything's fine, I'm really so angry or upset that I lie to keep from blowing up. That's wrong and I know it is, but I often opt for saying "it's fine" for one of two reasons––either I'm so frustrated that I just know I'll blow a cap if I say anything else, or I would rather hurt in silence than make you sad. Because I know that some of you beat yourself up over things that aren't really a big deal, and I hate that.

Like I've probably mentioned before, Ian Taylor is really good at this whole, "are you sure you're fine?" thing, but he's also one of those people who starts feeling bad if he makes me upset. And I hate that. Last thing I want is for him to be upset.

Last year, however, I blew up at Jordan for something I was really upset with her about. She made me so angry, and I kept lying about it until I couldn't anymore. We've since forgiven each other, but that's an example of what happens when I get that frustrated. I lost her as a best friend. We haven't been able to get that back, and I regret that.

Since I asked a few days ago for you to tell me how you would like me to respond to "I'm okay" when I know you're not, I'll tell you how I like it handled. If you can tell I'm really not all right, you don't have to ask what's wrong, you don't have to apologize ten million times, just pull me into a hug and say "I know you're not". And then let me cry or smile.

Or maybe both. <3

I Won't Put My Hands Up And Surrender..

I want this to stop. I want you to be happy again. Please stop hurting each other. Even if it means you need to get away from each other, please stop. If you hurt, I hurt.

I may not agree with everything you do, but I love you to the maxxx. I don't like being on the phone with your sister, and having to wait when she hears you crying. I don't like being on the other end of the line, hearing nothing but silence, feeling so helpless because I know at the other end of the line, you need a hug and I can't give you one.